Toward Optimal Frustration
I am not a psychologist. But I have long believed that moral philosophers ought to pay attention to psychology. We shouldn’t endorse everything psychologists say—that would be impossible, since various theories of psychology contradict each other—yet at the same time we can learn from them. Three decades ago, working on my dissertation (Learning to Love: Philosophy and Moral Progress), I read M. Scott Peck, The People of the Lie, to gain insight into narcissism. Of course, my reading from 1991 may not represent current psychological theory about narcissism. I’m not particularly concerned. Peck’s description of the “narcissistic lie” is more important than his speculations about spirits and possession.
Narcissism is a condition—in the 90s it was called a disorder; I don’t know if DSM still uses that term—marked by excessive concern for the self. This doesn’t mean narcissists are conventionally selfish. They may be; that is, they may consistently seek their own interests above their neighbors’ interests. But narcissism can express itself in outward behavior that might be called “unselfish.” Some narcissists are compelled to be “good people,” often in conventional ways. But the internal push that drives them to be good is a concern for the self.
As is often the case, psychologists theorize that narcissism has roots in childhood, in this case between ten and twenty-five months of age. Behold the toddler! After repeated failures, he has overcome gravity by learning to walk. His omnipresent, omnipotent, and omniscient Mother (supplemented by other caregivers, but to the toddler the various caregivers may amount to just one super-being) watches over him to provide his needs and prevent injuries. Sadly, of course, some infants suffer neglect even before toddlerhood, neglect which may cause serious psychological damage, but we are now imagining the fortunate child who benefits from good parenting.
Nevertheless, a storm crashes into the life of our happy new walker. No matter what Mom or other caregivers do, the toddler must come to terms with unhappy reality. It turns out that Mom is not omnipresent; sometimes the child has to wait. The Caregiver does not have the power to prevent all injuries. Sometime in toddlerhood, or in the years soon after, the child discovers that Mom is not perfectly wise or all-knowing. The toddler conquered gravity when she learned to walk. But she will never learn to fly.
There is no way around these realities. Psychologists theorize that all children at this early age will experience frustration. Frustration arises when the world does not conform to the egoistic beliefs and desires of the child. (We note that psychology here speculates about the beliefs and desires of children younger than two years. Do we really know that very young children regard their caregivers as all-powerful, perfectly wise, and always present? I think we can gain insight from psychological theory while holding to skepticism about some of its claims.)
All children must be frustrated at this stage in their lives. When frustration goes well, the child learns to accept the limitations of the world. Sometimes, though, the child comes to believe that there is something wrong with her. As Peck puts it, the narcissist believes the “narcissistic lie,” which says, “I am worthless unless . . .” Of course, the theory says this belief is often unconscious. You don’t meet many three and four-year-old children who verbalize self-destructive beliefs. But the belief may be there anyway.
There are variations of the lie. “I am worthless unless I find a substitute Mommy.” This version can play out in adult narcissism in the person who covers over his sense of worthlessness by sexual conquests. “I am worthless unless I am successful.” This narcissist moves from one economic or artistic success to another; each success brings a brief thrill, but the underlying need is unmet. “I am worthless unless I am good.” Here the narcissist may be conventionally and obsessively moral—or at least obedient to rules. In every case, the real problem is not the presenting behavior but the lie.
To avoid the lie, we need to be “optimally frustrated.” Remember, there is no way to avoid the rapprochement with reality. A good parent will gently and repeatedly expose the child to limitations. Sometimes we let Baby cry; Daddy or Mommy will come in a bit. Baby bumps her head, and we offer sympathy, but we don’t “fix it.” If the child is optimally frustrated, she will come to believe—not just consciously, but deep down—that the world is both a good place and difficult place, and that she can navigate that world.
Now, I think there is a parallel between optimal frustration in regard to narcissism and Freud’s theory of human society expressed in Civilization and Its Discontents. I am by no means endorsing all of Freud’s speculations about human development. I’m not an atheist, and I think Freud’s rejection of God is facile and poorly argued. Nevertheless, again we may learn from psychology.
Much human unhappiness and social discord is produced, Freud thought, by the conflict between individual persons’ desires (often unconscious and repressed) and society’s rules for interpersonal interaction. An individual has desires for sex, recognition, power, and other things (luxury, fame, etc.). But no society can allow individuals to pursue these desires freely. Society must have rules of behavior so we can live together in relative peace. Over time we have trained ourselves in rules—some necessary and healthy, others based on fantasies—often to such an extreme that we repress the desires themselves.
I am not interested in most of the details of Freud’s theory. The main point, the place where his theory parallels Peck’s exposition of narcissism theory, is that individual persons must come to terms with reality. The world is not the way we want it to be. We cannot, by a stroke of magic or magical thinking, make the world conform to our desires. We can learn to navigate the world, and we can live happy lives, but to do so we must experience frustration.
I plan to say more about this in my next post.
